i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
