the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
