My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
