you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
