So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
