i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think people are normalizing furries
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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