ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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