I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
