R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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