I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
