my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
