eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
