I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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