I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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