He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
