You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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