I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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