I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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