This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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