Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
