mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
