I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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