WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
