Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
