"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
