i would punch a child for taco bell
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
