I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize