Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize