dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
