Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
