So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
