I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
