I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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