Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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