I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
