oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize