My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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