The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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