so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
