I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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