i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
