how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
