I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
