I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
