Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We are all done wearing pants today
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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