Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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