Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
