my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
