He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
