I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
