So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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