It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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