so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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