the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
