You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
