I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
