I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
