The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
