im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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