Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
