i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize