I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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