So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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